Break Your Heart

Last Wednesday I drove my friend Joel to Tucson. I decided to stay and hang out for awhile because he isn't coming back to DM at all - for this term anyway. So we're sitting in a cute coffee shop talking about various things and at one point in one of the conversations he says to me something like "I think the point is to break your heart." It made sense in the context of what we were talking about but my first reaction was that I would have preferred to punch him in the face - why would I want my heart broken? Isn't my goal, everyone's goal, to be happy? I, of course, did NOT punch him in the face because I would never, ever, punch anyone in the face, especially him... But the next day it got me to thinking about what I'm learning at Diamond Mountain. I mean - I'm learning a whole lot of wonderful stuff but I mean in general - what I'm learning in summary I guess...

What I'm learning from this time at Diamond Mountain is that I don't have to be stuck. I can go where I need to go and do what I need to do to make myself and other people happy. I'm allowed to do what makes me happy. I'm allowed to work on taking the log out of my eye so I can help get the splinters out of the eyes of the people around me. I have the power to do what will make me happy and to choose to do the thing that will help the most people. Me being stuck in a job that makes me too tired to function or doing an activity that I don't want to do is all in my head. Meaning - everything is so beautiful and blissful. Geshe Michael said in one of our classes that, if you think about it, the world is pretty perfect already. Things still suck. Of course they do - but the things that suck can be changed, they can be worked on. We may not be able to change them over night but if those are the important things we can sure as hell work on changing them. The things I don't see as perfect CAN be changed - I just have to keep learning how to change them and I think it all starts with your point of view.

My first yoga teacher in Fredonia said in one of the first classes "Everything you need you have within you." Ok, so, I dropped the class after like 2 classes because I was too busy to relax for an hour doing yoga... but I think that statement was really all I needed to take away from the class anyway. It's so true. At any given time I really have absolutely everything I need - everything I HAVE to have.

Things really do suck sometimes... a lot of the time, theres no denying that. But you also can't deny that there is so much beauty in everything around us. It's just too difficult to see when we have 1,000 things going on and when we're worrying about ourselves constantly. But even the pain is gorgeous. It makes us who we are. It shapes us. It completes us. It makes us stronger. And at the very least it breaks us down and lets us be real. The Dalai Lama's mantra (om mani padme hum) means that out of great suffering comes great beauty. The point IS to break your heart - and after that you have to work to keep it broken open and let the pieces settle in a whole new, terrifyingly beautiful way. Every single moment of life is an exciting adventure - you just have to remember to see it that way and the challange of trying to remember is part of the adventure. It all starts with your point of view.

So, in conclusion I would like to say that the Dalai Lama is probably the cutest man in the whole wide world. Seriously, Google a picture of him - it is impossible to not smile.

:-) <3

Apaches and High Winds

As far as the high winds go I'm right now sitting in the Nectar Lounge (pictured to the right) and the wind is so freaking crazy that its making me feel like I'm crazy.  It's non-stop high wind that all but knocks you over when you're walking through it.  I'm currently semi-protected by the heavy duty tent around me because there's a class in the temple which is the only actual building on the camp ground.  It's pretty good in here but every now and then there will be a gust so intense that it stops all thought process in my brain and makes my eyes bulge out of my head for fear that the tent will come crumbling down on top of me.  The wind started at about mid morning and hasn't stopped since.  

The interesting part of this whole thing is that last night, before the wind started, I had a dream that I was looking out of a window and saw a Tornado form right before my eyes.  Dream-Me then braced myself in a door frame while the building came crumbling down around me.  This is just another example to add the list of dreams I've had that have been psychic.  I'm not saying I dream about exactly what's going to happen - but I have a dream the night before something happens that comes partially true.  ie. Last night - Tornado dream; Today - Craziest wind I've ever experienced in my entire life.  Someone just said the gusts are getting up to 40 mph.  I may or may not still have a tent.

Another example of Psychic Dream Kim:  

Picture it - December 2006 - Fredonia, NY - 35 Barker Street

I had a dream that I was pregnant.  Not only was I pregnant so was Chrystal Mook.  Now, in real life Chrystal Mook WAS about 8.5 months pregnant. (This wasn't the psychic part - I already knew that in real life because I'm not stupid or blind - her prego tummy was HUGE.) The point is that she still had a little more time before the bun was to be ejected from the oven.  Back to the dream...  Pregnant Dream-Chrystal Mook was wheeling pregnant Dream-Me into the Emergeny Room because pregnant Dream-Me was about to pop out my Dream-Baby. End of dream... Real Life-ME woke up and thought "haha, how funny!"  A few hours later I get a call from a family member (I can't remember which one...) telling me that pregnant Real Life-Chrystal Mook went in for her regularly scheduled check-up and was told by the doctor that the bun would soon be ejecting from the oven that is her womb and that she should go to the hospital straight away.  (I'm sure I'm improvising on the language because the doctor wasn't British and probably wouldn't refer to an unborn child as a type of bread or pastry)

I've also had semi-psychics dreams involving relationships and other various things.  I have them more now that I've gotten deeper into my meditation.  Needless to say I was a little scared when I had a dream last week that my hand was being chewed off by a wild Pig.  

Moving on...

On Saturday the Apaches came to Diamond Mountain.  This used to be their land until the British stole it.  Sadface.  They come every now and then to bless the land.  They sing like 32 tribal songs and stay all day.  People can come and go as they please and watch them, dance, and sing along.  I didn't go up the the hill they were singing on for the first part of the morning because I was meditating and taking a yoga class.  But then I went up the mountain to where there ceremony was being held and listened to a few songs.  They were in the middle of a song so I sat down and closed my eyes to listen.  And all of a sudden tears were falling down my cheeks.  I don't know what it was but it was just so powerful and beautiful.  They sang another song after that and then had us line up so they could do a blessing for us.  They went around and blessed us all and then had us bless them like they did for us.  It was a really nice thing.  I felt emotional during that part too but I'm a big sap so I didn't really think that much of it.  Then I got to the old Apache ladies that were here.  (There were 3 generations who came)  They were saying prayers for us.  The oldest woman grabbed my hands and started saying a prayer and it was very nice and I got all choked up.  Then another one of the woman hugged me, started rubbing my back, and saying a prayer and I immediately started SOBBING.  I was hugging a woman I had never before met in my life who was saying a prayer in another language so I had no idea what she was saying - and I was crying like a baby.  Hugging a stranger and crying.  Either it's true that yoga and meditation open your heart or I'm so starved for affection that hugging a stranger opened flood gates of emotion that I didn't know were there.  Or both.  Or something else entirely.  However, it was intense and beautiful and ridiculously weird.   

Things are good. Only a week to go in the term. I can't believe its gone so quickly. It was slow at first but then it flew by. I think thats how things go a lot of the time though. The last day of classes is on the 29th. Then on the 30th there is a retreat happening that begins that day. I'm not doing the retreat but I'm going to serve it. So that means I'll be helping make food and take care of the people who are doing the retreat. It's a nice thing to do since I'm sure some day I'll be doing a retreat and there will be people taking care of me. That will last about ten days. Then I'll be heading to New York for a few weeks. So I get to see all my wonderful NYC friends :-) Then I'd like to make it home to Buffalo for Thanksgiving.

But then... after that... I still have NO idea what I'll be doing. It's kind of scary but oh well. I'll figure it out. I have options - I just don't know yet what the best one will be. The options are these:

1. Stay in Buffalo with my family and get a job. I'd like to work in a coffee shop. I like coffee and I'm happy in coffee shops so why not work in one right?

2. Go to Florida and stay with Jay for a while. Again, I'd try to work in a coffee shop.

3. Come back to Tucson and get a job. In a coffee shop.

Now, it may be weird that I want to work in a coffee shop. Are there really people who go around saying "I want to work in a coffee shop when I grow up." I don't think they do. I mean, I've never heard of anyone saying that. But its one of those weird things that for some reason I've always wanted to do it. So I shall. Its nice that I can really do anything or go anywhere right now. That probably wont always be a possibility for me. But right now it is so I think I should take advatage of it -- right?

No matter what I do I'm still going to come back to Diamond Mountain in February. The living in a tent thing may not work during the winter but I can always get a cheap place in town with some other people. But I've been learning a lot here. About myself and how my mind works. Its a crazy, frightening place, my mind. I think I already knew that but its even more apparent when I have time to listen to it. This is a crazy crazy adventure I seem to be on.

And now - Radiohead lyrics... Because it just came on my ipod and because I feel like it...

"The Bends"
Where do we go from here?
The words are coming out all weird
Where are you now,
when I need you

Alone on an aeroplane
Fall asleep on against the window pane
My blood will thicken
I need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain
'Cause I'd be scared that there's nothing underneath

But who are my real friends?
Have they all got the bends?
Am I really sinking this low?
My baby's got the bends, oh no
We don't have any real friends, no, no, no

Just lying in the bar with my drip feed on
Talking to my girlfriend,
waiting for something to happen
I wish it was the sixties,
I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen

Where do we go from here?
The planet is a gunboat in a sea of fear
And where are you?
They brought in the CIA,
the tanks and the whole marines
To blow me away, to blow me sky high

My baby's got the bends
We don't have any real friends
Just lying in the bar with my drip feed on
Talking to my girlfriend, waiting for something to happen

I wish it was the sixties,
I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen

I wanna live, breathe
I wanna be part of the human race
I wanna live, breathe
I wanna be part of the human race, race, race, race

Where do we go from here?
The words are coming out all weird
Where are you now when I need you?

That is all.

More pictures... better late than never.

The inside of my tent

What I see when I wake up

The outside of my home

View of the yurts

Temple yurt - where people meditate and some classes are held

The walk to the bathrooms and Temple

Inside of "The Matrix" - Where people keep their food

Also inside The Matrix - Computers where we can print homeworks and use the internet

Clothes Lines

Kitchen Yurt

Yo, Gah.

I've absolutely positively loved yoga since I started doing it at 3 Jewels in NYC. It's fun and stretchy - and I'm a strong believer that everything that has the combination of fun and stretchy is a good thing. Examples:

1. Fun Colored Spandex

2. Stretch Armstrong (until the gooey stuff started leaking out...)

3. String Cheese

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If I have a really good class I almost feel high or intoxicated after. But life was busy and I went maybe once a week because I, as a human being, enjoy sleeping and eating dinner. And if I went more than that I would not be able to sleep or eat at regular human sleeping and eating hours. Thank you MSKCC. Now, I am not a "Yogi" but my practice is getting so much better so fast. I feel like you can tell a person is actually good at, and focused on, yoga when they can do the really fun stuff like headstands. 2 days ago I could not do a headstand. To be perfectly honest I still cannot do a headstand. However, I've made a breakthrough and I'd like to share it with you.

Picture it - Diamond Mountain Temple. Kim Siejak on a yoga mat. Preparing to try to do a headstand like usual. Ready to turn into a sweaty, red, struggling little ball of fat unable to do anything that looks like a headstand. Tamara, my yoga parnter for the day, super sweetly encouraging me. Me thinking "yeah, mmhmm, ok, like I'll actually be able to do it. Then I think to myself: Kim, just first picture yourself doing it. (I didn't believe myself) Then I get ready and prepare to come up like I was taught. Then all of a sudden I'm floating up. Seriously, like floating. It seemed so easy to do this thing that I've never before been able to do. But then.. of course.. I floated back down just as quickly. I came right back down because I didn't even know I was doing. I was so shocked by the sensation of this pose actually happening like it was supposed to that I didn't know what was happening. So then I tried again and the same thing happened. Of course, my partner had to help support me and I was still a big ball of sweaty redness after. But still - kinda cool.



I must now go and try to get back to the schedule that I set up for myself for today that is no longer working out. The freedom to do so many cool things here is awesome but it also means that time gets away from you soooo quickly.



Love.

Pictures - Round One

The Nectar Lounge

The Bell and The Outside of the Temple

The Stupa

Yoga Rocks (like the mountains. get it..?)

Greetings Earthlings. I, at times, feel as if I'm on another planet. But its a good planet. Its an awesome planet on which I get to do yoga every single morning for free. And before I do that free-awesome-intense-beautiful yoga I get to meditate in a temple where its quiet. That means there aren't alarm clocks and cell phones and crazy old ladies screaming at you. There is guaranteed silence until 10am. Beautiful, beautiful silence. Its nice when the only noise that may interrupt your meditation is the wind. I've passed the get used to being here stage and now I'm in the holy shit I'm here stage. Everything is wonderful and perfect but it's intense. A lot starts to happen to your mind when you don't have to worry about work and the subway and your plans for the weekend.


Firstly: I don't have pictures yet. Get over it.


Nextly: Nextly is probably not a word.


Next: Vocabulary Lesson.

Lama = Teacher

Rejoicing = Being happy for something good that you or someone else has done or has had happen to to them. It's good to rejoice for the good that you do but even better to rejoice for the good that others do if you're tuly happy for them. (Buddhist secret: If you're truly happy for someone who has done something good to help others you get a piece of their good karma. Holler.)

Seeds = Buddhists say that your mind is watching everything you do like a recording. When you do good things (such as helping others) your mind records it and plants a seed. That seed grows in your mind like a tree until it's full grown. When the seed is full grown it is your karma ripening and something good happens to you that has directly come from that previous good thing you did. When you have patterns of things happening to you a Buddhist would say that you "have a seed for it."

Vocabulary Lesson in Action:

My Lama from New York, Lama Rebecca, is one of the attendants for Geshe Michael (the head Monk of Diamond Mountain) So that means that she is with him for a good part of the day up at the Lama House. The Lama House is at the top of one of the smaller mountains here and is where Geshe Michael and Lama Christie (one of the main teachers at Diamond Mountain) live. It's actually pretty interesting because the house is so old that is was used by the British when they came to kill the Native Americans and steal their land. One of the rooms of the house is made of all stone and has little slit windows where the British would shoot at the Native Americans. Not the place you would think a Buddhist Retreat Valley would be but go figure. Since I'm so close with Lama Rebecca I get to tag along up to the Lama House. So that means I get to chill with the Geshe Michael and Lama Christie on a regular basis. Buddhists say that being around your Lamas is the best thing you can do because they're such Holy people and can plant very, very good seeds for you by just being around them and helping them if they need it. Also, it's good to be around them because everything they say or do could be a form of them helping you with the things you need if you have the karma to get the message. Therefore, I would like to rejoice for the good seeds I must have that let me be so close to my awesome, wonderful Lamas. :o)